3 super-achievable ways to be more present with your kids today

One of my clients cried in a session last week. Was it the fact that they’d been working 14 hour days?  Or that they were completely overwhelmed at work with the busiest period of the year still to come? Or that they couldn’t remember the last time they had time to do something for themselves? 

No. 

It was the insidious, whispering voice in your head that is Parent Guilt. 

Parent Guilt doesn’t care if you’re working overtime to provide for your family, sacrificing your own needs and desires and spinning a hundred plates in the air. Parent Guilt wants MORE. It wants you to know that you’re not doing enough, not BEING enough, and your children are going to suffer.

Frankly, Parent Guilt is a massive jerk.  

But you have choices.

You can choose to listen to this massive jerk, or you can choose to accept that your life is imperfect. You can choose to accept that your life isn’t in perfect balance right now, but that you’re going to work on that. And in the meantime, you can choose to act, today, on being more present with your kids, in ways that don’t add even more to your overwhelm.

As I am very fond of saying,

Progress, not Perfection.

Here are some ideas for you.

Special Time

Rather than berating yourself for all the focussed time you should spend with your kids, concentrate on what time you can actually carve out without pushing you over the edge (you’ll be no use to your family if you burn out). Even if it’s just 5 minutes. Seriously. 

I’ve used this for years with my son – it comes from the brilliant Hand in Hand Parenting.

It’s simple (but don’t be deceived, it’s highly effective):

1. Decide how much time you have, even if it’s just 5 minutes. You’re going to need to be completely focussed during this time, so evaluate your energy and time reserves, and don’t over-promise.

2. Make sure you’re not going to be interrupted. Put your phone in another room, tell the rest of the family what you’re doing etc.

3. Tell your child you have X minutes, and you’d love to have some ‘Special Time’ (or call it whatever you want).

4. Tell your child that they are completely in charge during Special Time and you’ll do whatever they want (if you have a particularly creative/feisty child, you may need to set some parameters e.g. no eating 6 packs of biscuits – but try and keep it completely open if you can).

5. Set a timer for X minutes. Tell your child that when the timer goes off, Special Time will end.

6. Focus completely on your child for the allotted time. Follow their lead. Let me say that again. FOLLOW THEIR LEAD! Be curious – you’ll learn a lot about what interests them - and be interested in what they’re doing. Don’t allow yourself to be interrupted by anything.

7. When the timer goes off, thank you child for sharing Special Time and end whatever you’re doing. If big feelings come up, comfort them, but hold the limit that Special Time is over.

And that’s it! It will take a few goes for you both to get used to the concept, but you will both come to value this time immensely. And your child will get more and more creative with how they use this Special Time.

If you want to read more about Special Time, there are some great introductory articles here and here.

Power up things you have to do with them anyway

We often berate ourselves for not spending more time playing with our children – but the truth is, we spend LOTS of time with them, making sure they’re dressed, washed, fed, have done their homework etc.  I invite you to think about how you can be more present in these moments.

Here are some ideas:

Turn bathtime into playtime

Lots of toys are waterproof – chuck them in the bath and see what happens. Read a book to your child while they’re in the bath. Ask them questions. Go down memory lane and tell them what bathtimes were like when they were younger. When you were younger. Put towels down, take a deep breath and let them splash you. You get the idea…

Story time/reading homework

Whether you’re reading to your child, or they’re reading to you, think outside the words. What’s going on in the pictures? What stories, or movies, or memories does the book bring up? What would your child do if they were in the same situation as the characters? Would they be friends with the characters? Why?

Helping with homework

Helping with homework is a form of connection in itself, but what are some ways you could expand the experience? Perhaps you could share your homework memories. Or ask how they’re feeling about the work they’ve been given, or discuss what they might use this skill for in the real world (and if the answer is ‘nothing’, then make fun of it!). 

Bedtime

Does your child suddenly start telling you random things/asking hypothetical questions just as you’re trying to get them to go to sleep? Yep, mine too! Contrary to appearances, they’re not actually trying to wind you up – as they transition to a state of sleep, their brain waves fluctuate between alpha and theta waves. This takes them into a highly relaxed state in which they feel more safe – and out pop the vulnerable shares and creative questions.

You, on the other hand, are on your last nerve and just want them to go to sleep so that you can do more work/clear up/drink wine. What if you took a deep breath, accepted that you’re going to be there for another 5 (ok, 10) minutes, and enjoyed the wonder of their curiosity?

Watch tv/play a video game with them

Wait.

Whaaaaattt?? 

So, articles about being more present with your kids usually include an instruction to turn off all screens. Oh good. Something else to feel guilty about.

While I’m all for a balance of screen time, I don’t think screens are inherently evil. And one thing I enjoy doing is watching TV, or playing a video game, with my son. Research has shown that joint media engagement – i.e. parents and children spending time together with media – builds connection and helps children to learn. You’re sharing an experience, showing an interest in something they like, and learning about what makes them tick. And the real magic comes when you discuss the TV show or video game and make connections with the real world. I’ve had lots of great conversations about important topics such as bullying, racism, sexism, kindness, boundaries etc with my son in this way. 

This strategy works particularly well when you’re completely knackered, because you get to sit down, switch off and build connection with your child. Admittedly, you may end up having to watch or play something completely heinous! But even then, perhaps ask your child what they like about the show or game – you’ll learn something about them and it might make you see it in a different light.

What other ways could you be easily more present with your children?

Let me know and I’ll share them with other overwhelmed parents.

And if you’re struggling with balancing your family, work and personal life, come and join my facebook community, for women in high-stress, purpose-driven careers who want to learn to love their life again. You’ll get tools and strategies to overcome stress and overwhelm, and get more balance in your life. Request to join now.